Ok, this is a LOOOOOOOOONG post. You have been warned.
I recently sent the following out to friends and family in the hopes that they could help with putting a bit of humanity into my disability case.
I place it here to fill in those that care as to exactly what my condition is. Heck, maybe someone here could actually give me some advice or even help me out!
In short, this post is very very long, very personal, and is just for the edification of those that may care or might be interested in why one should be careful to never break their back. There will be NO NEED for people complaining about the length of the post! You are hereby warned yet again!
Also, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. Consider this just an uber-"who are they" post. Do NOT post if you feel uncomfortable or pressured!
This is your last warning! Beyond here there be dragons...with broken backs...
Dear Family and Friends,
As you are all more than well aware, I broke my back during the summer of 2001 while living in Michigan. Since I was slowly yet surely degrading both physically and mentally I finally decided in the summer of 2006 to apply for Social Security Disability (SSD) on my own. My claim was denied since at the time, at least on paper, I simply appeared to be like someone who had tried to move a refrigerator by themselves and "just" severely hurt their back albeit permanently. In despair, I then filled out a simple one page dispute of decision form the size of which was actually a surprise after having dealt with massive volumes of paperwork up to that point. Thus began a two year wait for the time when I could actually present my case before a judge.
Flash forward two years...
After my wife, Margaret, and I moved to Vermont, I once again began the arduous task of re-establishing treatment under new doctors and also taking advantage of the state's excellent Vocational Rehabilitation program. Besides trying to help me find work, which took into account my debilitated condition, the wonderful people at VocRehab were also able to start assisting me with getting SSD. However, it wasn't until well along in the process that a gentleman in the government office in Burlington noticed while looking up my records in the computer that I had a hearing pending this fall. In fact, so much time had passed that I had totally forgotten about sending in that tiny hearing request form! I then had two choices: start a new claim and find out in the fall via mail if my claim was approved OR transfer the hearing pending in Michigan to Vermont and present my case with the updated information from the last two years. With the possibility of getting twenty-four months of retroactive disability payments and also having a decision found at about the same time I would have had after filing a new claim, the choice was simple. The exact date still isn't known yet, but I am going to have a hearing in Burlington, Vermont sometime in the month of this upcoming September.
Before I relate how it is that you all can help me through this ordeal, allow me to give you an update on my current condition:
Physically, I am still suffering from a compression fracture of two of my vertebra. For those of you that are curious, they are the T12 and L1. To repair the structural damage to my spine, I underwent what is called a "spinal fusion which included the unbroken vertebra above (T11) and below (L2) the damaged area. Basically, by using several screws and two "rods", which look like intricate clamps and are of different length and shape, the surgeons made it so my spine from T11 through L2, basically the middle of my back, will never ever move again. In addition to damage to the bones in my spine, the small rock I landed on also crushed the nerves with the following results:
1. Numbness. This extends in a "bell shaped" pattern from the middle of my back to my hips, throughout my buttocks and groin, down the back of my legs, the heels and outside edges of both my feet, and finally across all of my toes.
2. Paralysis of my legs. My right leg is at about 95% of its original capability whereas my left leg is at a mere 15% resulting in the fact that I cannot stand on my toes with my left foot. The result of this is that even though I can walk I cannot run. I can approximate a quick lope for an extremely short amount of time but it is quite comical to see and is actually very dangerous since the possibility of me tripping and falling is very great. Also, I can barely drive a car equipped with a manual transmission and am often unable to depress the clutch sufficiently to shift. What I can do is accomplished mostly through the gross movement of my entire left leg.
3. Paralysis of my lower intestinal tract. I'm not sure what the medical term for this is but basically my lower intestines do not operate like they should. That is they do not pulse and contract to move their contents along. Basically, what this means is that I have to eat more simply to force things to move through the last portion of my digestive system.
4. Incontinence of both urine and feces. I have no sphincter control whatsoever. Combined with #3 this results in a cycle of constipation and diarrhea that can run anywhere from 2 to 3 weeks. During the latter phase I don't dare set foot outside of the house for 2 to 3 days on average due to my lack of control. Paradoxically, when I do have to go to the bathroom I have to strain and press on my abdomen with both of my hands in order for anything to come out.
5. Erectile dysfunction. Numbness and very little to no sensation.
6. Extreme chronic pain in the middle region of my back. This often extends to my lower and upper back and even my neck, which usually then results in me having severe tension headaches. The quality of the pain runs the gamut: burning, aching, stiff, sharp, dull and throbbing.
Mentally, I am in very much the same shape. Dealing with my physical condition day in and day out for the past seven years has taken a great toll on my mind. Primarily, I suffer from depression although there are many other more minor symptoms. This depression itself is not the result of cerebral illness or defect but simply rather because even the most stalwart of minds can deal with only so much adversity. Studies have found that the different regions of one's brain "pulse" and relax from stimulation much like your heart relaxes between beats. However, if one were to suffer from the sort of chronic pain that I have, certain parts of the brain remain locked in an "on" state and almost never have any sort of recovery period. Keep in mind that your brain runs on certain chemical compounds produced elsewhere in the body in order to maintain its amazing bio-electric function, very much like your car depends on gasoline to run. It is therefore easy to see how without a sufficient amount of those important cerebral recovery periods one's mind can swiftly "run out of gas". Couple that with having to constantly deal with the many other physical shortcomings stemming from nerve damage, both in public and even in the privacy of one's own home, and you have a recipe for mental exhaustion followed swiftly by depression. I now have a whole host of problems that were never even a passing issue before the accident. I cannot focus on too many things at once. I begin to panic if I am in crowded public areas. My temper seems to be significantly shorter. I am often loath to socialize since it seems that I have to constantly talk about my condition while keeping an eye out as to where the bathrooms are and whether or not they are occupied. I easily forget things even when I was just reminded or thought of something to do next (e.g. "Now just WHY did I come into the kitchen?"). I often even have flashbacks to my accident which are often powerful enough to make me wince or even jump. I could go on, but I think you get the general idea. I am often asked if I am suicidal but fortunately that is probably the only thing that I have not entertained in my mind. I still greatly appreciate what a relatively very short time we all have to live on this planet, regardless of what condition or situation I am in, enough so that I very much look forward to greeting each and every new day with a thankful heart and genuine appreciation for the really valuable things that I have in my life. Those things are my family, especially my wife, my far flung friends and our two cats. I at least still have the sense of mind to appreciate each and every person that I know or meet whether they are family, friends or complete strangers. If there were just one thing that this accident has taught me it is the fact that every life is precious and we would be stupid to not appreciate or take advantage of that. Not only are we ourselves still here but others we know and love are still here as well. All lives are precious and any one of us could be gone in an instant. Therefore live each moment loving and forgiving others as if it was your own or someone else's last day on this Earth. My advice to all is:
Carpe diem.
(See
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a ... 397377.ece for more information about chronic pain and its effects on the mind)
The medication I am currently taking is as follows:
1. Paroxetine (Paxil) - 10mg once a day in the morning. This is to help fight my depression. I have been taking it for one month now and it seems to be working. Initially it caused me to sleep almost twenty hours a day and have horrible cases of the "yawns". Now that my body is used to it, it should start acting almost like a stimulant.
2. Naproxen (Aleve) - 500mg twice a day. This helps loosen the stiffness in my back.
3. Oxycodone w/APAP (APAP is Acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol) (Percocet) - 5/325mg 4 times a day "as needed". This is to help with pain I may incur due to daily activities. They only help for an hour at most and I will be asking my primary care doctor if I need to increase the dosage amount or quantity.
4. Oxycontin - 40mg twice a day. This is my primary "base" pain medication. Long acting and of the "building" verity of pain medicines, it greatly reduces the general level of my chronic pain.
5. Trazodone - 25mg a day at night. This is to help me re-establish a healthy sleeping pattern. Due to my constant pain and incontinence, I am unable to get a decent good night's sleep. The result of this is that I have constantly been exhausted and sleep on and off throughout a 24 hour period. It has been a week since I have started taking it and it seems to be helping. The only major side effects have been that I get a major case of the "shakes" several times throughout the day. It makes it very difficult to type which is why this letter has now taken me two days to write.
6. Cymbalta - 30mg twice a day. I am currently NOT taking this depression medication but I thought it worth mentioning due to the fact that I am still feeling its effects to this very day. I took it for approximately half a year and hated it from the beginning since it essentially erased my personality. I decided to begin weaning myself off of it soon after I moved to Vermont. This process took about 4 months to complete due to a wonderful withdrawal symptom known as "brain zaps". (see
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_zaps for more information) Even after successfully getting off of this diabolical drug, I still feel that my mind has been forever altered by it. I have found that my once upbeat personality has been mostly replaced by a dull and somewhat warped sense of mind. Not only do I often lapse into an unlively monotone voice during conversation but I often find myself laughing at inopportune times as if I were attempting to randomly force my old sense of humor into unfortunately inappropriate situations. I also respond equally to both good and bad news as if my ability to react appropriately to information has been damaged.
7. Vitamin B Complex - 1 to 2 tablets a day. I was not prescribed this but on a whim I started taking it about a month ago. Since I know that it is good for the brain in general, specifically in coping with stress, I decided that it couldn't hurt. It seems to be helping ease the effects of my near chronic stress and, in conjunction with the Trazodone, insures a higher quality sleep.
Currently I am seeing my primary care physician (Dr. David Bisbee at Stowe Family Practice) once a month to maintain my medication. On the mental health side, I am seeing a wonderful psychologist (Dr. Rodger Kessler at Stowe Mental Health Associates) every two weeks. I am actually lucky to be seeing him at all and not simply just because he specializes in helping people who suffer from chronic pain. When I first spoke to him on the phone, he regretted to inform me that my Medicaid insurance would not cover any visits to him. However, once he learned that Mary-Margaret was my wife, he gladly decided to take me on as a patient pro bono! It turns out that Margaret had actually worked for him several years ago and he has since always held her in high regard. I am VERY humbly glad to have him as a doctor and he has already helped me greatly even after only just a handful of sessions. Come late fall or early winter, I will be heading to one or both of two excellent spine clinics that are located right here in Vermont. In the mean time, I am focusing on fine tuning my medication with Dr. Bisbee while getting a handle on my mental state with the excellent help of Dr. Kessler.
I am also participating in a University of Michigan research study that is focusing on a possible connection between genetics and depression in people who have suffered a spinal cord injury. In fact, I am going to be paid $25 dollars for two interviews (one written and one via phone) and $15 for spitting in a plastic tube which they are going to send to me. However, I told the woman who I have been in contact with that I don't really care about the money. I simply wish and hope that the contribution of data from my situation might possibly help others someday.
Well, now we have finally arrived at the point where I tell you all how you can help. It is my hope that we can inject a much needed human aspect into my SSD case. Rather than presenting just cold numbers, medical terms, dates and names I feel that it is important for not only me but the people that are part of my life to try and help convey the human side of this sad tale. To accomplish this, I would like each and every one of you, and even then ONLY IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING SO, to write a letter. In this letter I need you to talk about your impressions of what I've been through, how I have changed in your eyes, how it has affected you, and even, no matter how strange this may sound, how worthy I am as a person and human being to receive SSD assistance. Actually, those are just general ideas. You should just write about whatever comes to mind that you feel may help. Having said that, there are still a few important criteria that you need to follow:
1. The letter should be dated at the top.
2. Include your name, relationship to me, address and phone number at the top of the letter. (Note: this information will not be given to anyone else beside the hearing judge/court reporter and is for identity verification/authentication only) Format example:
John A. Doe
Friend
123 Main Street
Anytown, XX 12345
123-123-1234
3. The letter may be hand written, typed or printed. HOWEVER, your letter MUST include a handwritten signature in pen.
Once you have completed your letter, please send it to me at the following address so that I can review it, make a copy for my records and then send it along with the rest to the SSD office in New Hampshire:
Bryan Logie
246 South Main Street #1
Stowe, VT 05672
802-253-5608
I need to be able to send in everything I can by Saturday, August 9 so that they can scan and include them on the next updated CD-ROM of exhibits. Yes, you heard me right! We now live in a brave new world where all of my records and information will be presented to both me and the hearing judge on a simple CD.
Well, there you have it. I just want to thank everyone for helping me along on this dark path that I have been on for the last seven years. You have all been so instrumental in many different aspects of my life yet you are all equally thanked and appreciated. I am hoping that with the approval of my SSD that I can finally be able to totally focus on getting the help that I need to live a better more full life. But even more important is the fact that I will finally be able to rest easy at night knowing that my loving wife and our two cats are better taken care of, more secure and provided for.
Again, thank you all so very very much. Please take care all and feel free to email or call me with ANY questions or concerns you may have.
Peace and I hope you all have a good day.
Sincerely,
Bryan
